he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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