Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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