either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
