And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
