Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
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