so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
