i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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