In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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