There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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