No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
