meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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