I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
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