He asked me if I "almost moaned"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
