I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Bring me that man meat
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
