No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
