It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
