The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
