# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
