im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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