Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
