Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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