I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
