It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
