the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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