it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
