Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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