I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
please come you make the beer taste better
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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