I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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