Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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