I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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