he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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