Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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