We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
