I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
