I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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