Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
