Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
