My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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