My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
