remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
