you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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