just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
