This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
