Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I love you. Go after that dick
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
