I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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