i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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