the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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