dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
