The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
