Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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