Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Never underestimate the power of titties
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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