sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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