I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize