Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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