Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
