Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
