All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
