Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
