he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
