it hurts more in the daytime
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
