What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
