I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
