I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
