Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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